Getting to Texas to say Goodbye - Can You Help?

My mother has been gravely ill for well over a month. She's been in, then out, then in, back out, and now back IN the hospital.  Mom's partner informed me today that Mom is so weak she can't even speak on the phone. My sense is that this is either The End, or The Beginning of the End. Even if she makes it home again, she will still be in horrific pain and in need of several other surgeries, including hip replacement, and such.

At the moment, she's slated for exploratory surgery to determine the source or cause of the intestinal blockage. A colonoscopy didn't work - they couldn't get to the problem area.  I know that Mom is scared, in a lot of pain, and wondering what will happen. I'm feeling all those things, too.

My mother and I have a history that is filled with dysfunction early in my life. She was a cruel drunk, physically and mentally abusive, and actually paid me not to show my face when she was home.  Still, I've forgiven her. Gone are the days when I used to be filled with blinding rage at all she'd done. I gave ~myself~ the gift of forgiving my Mom.  She and I now have a good relationship, and I love her (and know that she loves me).  Her drinking days are over, thank goodness - that helps a lot.

I am now in the process of thinking of creative ways to raise the funds to buy a plane ticket to Houston (from Seattle). Probably best to buy a one-way, and then wait and see what happens before I schedule another one-way back to Seattle.  Any way you slice it, this will be expensive.

I have two gold rings, one from my mother, and another small engagement ring I got years ago, both of which I'm trying to sell.  I'm meeting with a local vendor this week to discuss this option.  I'm also looking at my clothing and silver jewelry, wondering what might sell for a few bucks on CraigsList or eBay.

A friend suggested that I also consider putting up a blog page that allows readers to donate, even tiny amounts.  I thought about it, and decided, "Why not?" If people want to make a love offering of even $1.00, it will get me that much closer to a plane ticket.

If you have a few dollars to give, bless you.  If you don't have a few dollars to give, bless you as well.  My heartfelt thanks to everyone who's been so kind and compassionate as I deal with this heartbreaking situation.

_/|\_ Namasté 

Grieving

Grief. It's a powerful, loaded word that conveys deep meaning. Often linked with guilt, or regret, it's a sense of loss that leaves an aching chasm where there once was love.

Grief can be something anticipated, knowing the end of a situation, a relationship, or a life draws nigh. Or it can be unexpected, a sudden twist of fate that leaves us reeling.

I've just learned that my mother (who is 69) is having an ever-accelerating process of physical breakdown.  She needs surgery to replace her hip, and knee replacement is also recommended.  Additionally, she has several ruptured discs in her back, and scoliosis to complicate matters further.

She's also learned that she's had a chronic Vitamin D deficiency, which has led to a rather alarming case of osteoporosis.  Her bone density is terrifyingly low, and this is especially scary because she is a big lady, and has been for four decades or so.  Mom used to be a hard-core binge drinker, she smokes two packs of cigarettes a day, and she has hypertension.

My heart goes out to my mother. I ache for the pain and uncertainty she's facing.  She can't even get scheduled for the hip replacement until some kind of normal heart rhythm is established; meds haven't helped. Next week she goes in to see about having a pacemaker or a stent put in by the cardiologist.

Frankly, I'm grieving. There are answers I would like from my mother, and it's increasingly looking as if I may never get them.  Even when she's feeling better, Mom likes to bob and weave, evading the really tough questions.  I've forgiven her, but still would like to understand her perspective, and also verify some timeline information.  As I write my Magnum Opus, these kinds of details become very important - I want to get it right.

No matter how this all shakes out, I need to recognize that I am legitimately grieving - grieving for the childhood I never got to have, grieving for the nurturing that was never given when I needed it, grieving for the pain intentionally inflicted but not deserved in the least.  And now I prepare to grieve for my mother. My sense is that she may not be around for too much longer. Frankly, with as much pain as she's in, I can't begrudge her potential exit. She's been very tough, under trying circumstances.

I'm reminded once again of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's book, On Death and Dying, and am realizing once again that it has value in any kind of grief work. It doesn't have to be a physical death to generate real grief. It can be an end to a way a of life, and end to a relationship, and so many other things.  It's time I reviewed this powerful book. Perhaps for you, as well?

In my travels (physical as well as philosophical), I've encountered the powerful truth that we cannot change any other person, or any other situation.  If we are mindful and focused, we can sometimes change how we respond to a situation or a person, and thus change how we experience it or them.

I am hopeful that my mother's time here on this physical plane lasts a bit longer - ideally, long enough for me to raise the funds to get to Texas and back, plus hotel and all that.  I ache at the thought of saying goodbye either by telephone, or (worse) to a Texas prairie where mom's ashes have been scattered.

No matter what else happens, I've made sure my mother knows that I love her - despite it all.  I don't condone what happened; I was simply willing to lay down the burden of the caustic rage that I had once carried in my heart.

If you have a spare moment, send a good thought to Jan in Houston.  I have solid faith that "General Delivery" via the collective consciousness will work just fine.

Thank you, one and all.  May your day be blessed with peace and gentle laughter.

Where soul meets body...

Ever since the Age of Enlightenment, science in Western society has largely diverged from philosophy and spirituality.  They were seen as opposite ends of an ideological spectrum.  Science was innately logical and linear; it could be said that a worship of logic as Ultimate Truth emerged. Philosophy and spirituality were innately non-linear - their truths could be fluid and maleable, depending on the situation.  Thus, since logic could not be applied, many considered (and still do consider) spirituality to be nothing more than an entertaining diversion for those who chose to participate in its rituals and traditions.  Individuals and groups who see the universe this way are certainly welcome to their viewpoint; it is no more nor less valid than any other, including mine.

What I've found fascinating, however, is the compelling point we've reached in our understanding of the universe, how it works, and especially what impact our thoughts and beliefs have on its workings.  Anyone who has even a passing interest in Quantum Mechanics and related areas of study knows what I mean.  We now have experiments that seemingly prove conclusively that our thoughts, our consciousness, not only shapes reality, but may very well be the very building material of reality.

The very Zen concept of all being One is turning out to be a literal truth.  We are all connected; all living things, all seemingly inanimate objects, the Earth herself, and so on.  Physical matter is made up of very little in the way of actual "stuff" that has density.  Solid matter, when studied at the molecular and atomic level, is mostly open space and energy fields.

This is one of the books I received as a Yule gift - Quantum Enigma. From the back cover: "In trying to understand the atom, physicists built quantum mechanics, the most successful theory in science and the basis of one-third of our economy. They found, to their embarassment, that with their theory, physics encounters consciousness." (Emphasis added by me - Jo)

Also from the back cover: "...every interpretation of quantum physics involves consciousness. (the authors) therefore turn to exploring consciousness itself - and encounter quantum mechanics."  Take a moment, and read that quote again, perhaps aloud.  By my interpretation, it means that we cannot understand the underpinnings of the universe without understanding and taking into consideration consciousness itself.  That is a phenomenal statement; one that promises to shape our ongoing dialogue of "science vs. spirituality."

Another book I received as a Yule gift promises to be a fascinating trip far down the rabbit-hole in Alice's Wonderland - The Divine Matrix: Bridging Time, Space, Miracles, and Belief. (Written by Gregg Braden, author of The God Code.) From the rear cover of The Divine Matrix: "There is a place where all things begin, the place of pure energy that simply 'is.'  In this quantum incubator for reality, everything is possible.

"In 1944, Max Planck, the father of quantum theory, shocked the world by saying that this 'matrix' is where the birth of stars, the DNA of life, and everything between originates. Recent discoveries reveal dramatic evidence that  Planck's matrix - The Divine Matrix - is real."  (Emphasis added by me - Jo)

The Divine Matrix is a deceptively thin book, at 210 pages of content (not including Endnotes, Index, Acknowledgments, and so on.  However, the content is deep - and by "deep," I mean "the vast deepness of the cosmos itself."  This book (and the one above) will be read more than once, in order to absorb the material more thoroughly.

The first read is simply a chance to take in the concepts without getting too caught up in the minutia; rather like the 30,000-foot view.  Then, additional reads will result in flagging and quite a bit of note-taking.  These two books will add much to my ongoing research about connections, and their being the foundation for recovery and wellness. 

I am excited to begin the intellectual adventure that awaits me within these two fascinating tomes.  As I read (and begin to comprehend) the content, I'll share my insights via Twitter and this blog.